20 March 2014

10 Problems... [NSFW]

Hey there, other guys who fuck real good -- we're a rare breed, aren't we? We always try to keep our weird, nerdy quirk to ourselves, but sometimes, our undeniable prowess at fucking causes some problems in our day-to-day life that those other "only ok at fucking" people simply just won't understand.

Just in case you're feeling alone & embarrassed, here's 10 Problems That Only Guys Who Fuck Really Well Will Understand. Don't be shy! Please read and share...but ONLY if you understand!



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This is a common problem for us Fuck-Too-Goods. Sometimes, you'll leave your partner TOO satisfied that they won't be able to think or concentrate on anything else other than how well they were just made love to. Fortunately, this will eventually dissipate, but unfortunately, then they'll just want to fuck again. Such is the cross we bear, right fellow Goodfuckers???



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This happens literally every time you have sex. With 100% certainty, your partner will squeal in ecstasy, then the next thing you know, there's your angry neighbors banging on your door in striped pajamas and sleeping caps, telling you to keep it down.

Sorry, Only-Ok-Fucker! You just don't understand us ;-*



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How many times has this happened to you: You finally wrap-up a steamy, marathon fuck-session only to glance over at the calendar and realize it's December 27th, and you've both fucked your way through Christmas. Uhoh! Too bad your family won't understand why you didn't go see them... and we all know why they don't GET it ;-0 ;-0



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Oh man, your co-worker's talking about some HOT lovemaking session he had where his lady had... lol... TWO orgasms?? Hahaha better bite your tongue, fellow Fuckgoods, cause when you start talkin' about how your lady averages 80-90 orgasms per night (including nights you don't fuck...which is NO nights!!!!!), they'll think you're exaggerating. Yeah - exaggerating like a FUCKFOX!



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Not this ol' problem again! I mean, who can blame them, but still, it's gonna delay the love-makin' by a couple hours. Their loss, really.



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This one's a real doozy. Everything's going great, you're coming up on orgasm #85 or so, and all the sudden, BAM! She climaxes so hard, she rescinds the ability to speak or comprehend English, and you have to begin tutoring her from the bottom-up, starting with basic letters and phonetic sounds. Fortunately, her burning desire to learn English as a way to communicate how well she was just made love to will speed up the learning process far beyond that of traditional learning curves.



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Don't even get me started on this. Sometimes I think all of us "Way Too Good At Sex" Dudes would have it a little easier if we were just a little bit imperfect at having sex, but we simply don't know another way. It's a blessing and a curse.



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Haha oh people. Always SO jealous and suspicious.

Anyway, please now share this on Facebook in a really forced self-deprecating manner. But ONLY if you understand!
 
 
 
 
Originally posted at CollegeHumor

19 March 2014

Cats 101

Adam Ellis from Buzzfeed has managed to entertain and educate us with animated GIFs of cats.

For each GIF, Ellis juxtaposes expert opinion against what we really think when we see our cat “kneading” with its paws or shaking its butt before pouncing on prey.

Scroll down to see this adorable collection, or view this set in full here.


Experts say: Cats wiggle back and forth to position themselves for the perfect attack.
The “truth”: Cats have satellite transmitters in their butts and must periodically recalibrate to receive transmissions from their home planet.



Experts say: Your cat is showing submission or inviting you to play.
The “truth”: Your cat ate some bad Thai food and is writhing in pain. Stop feeding it so much Pad See Ew.



Experts say: Cats squint at you when they’re content. Slowly closing their eyes at you is a sign of trust.
The “truth”: Your cat’s eyes are overly sensitive to the sun and it’s squinting because it wants a new pair of Ray-Ban Clubmasters. Get to shoppin’.



Experts say: Tail sniffing is normal between felines, and this is your cat’s way of saying hello to you.
The “truth”: Your cat just cleaned its butt and wants to show it off to you. Look at that sparkling clean butt and say, “Very nice butt, cat. Good job.”



Experts say: Sleeping in a circle conserves body heat.
The “truth”: Time is cyclical, and nobody understands this better than cats. When your cat sleeps in a circle, it’s a sign that this world is ending and giving way to a greater, more terrifying universe.



Experts say: As kittens, cats will knead their mother’s stomach to produce milk, and this is most likely a leftover trait from kittenhood. It might also be an instinctual part of settling down to sleep.
The “truth”: Your cat saw an ad for baking classes in the local paper and wants to enroll. Write a check for $350 immediately.



Experts say: Your cat tucks its paws underneath it because it feels content and safe, plus it keeps body heat from escaping.
The “truth”: Your cat is annoyed that you didn’t enroll it in baking classes and thinks the only way to get your attention is to pretend it’s an actual loaf of bread.



Experts say: Your cat is raising its leg to more easily clean itself.
The “truth”: Forget baking classes, your cat wants to learn to play the cello now. It’s emulating the act of playing cello to get your attention. Write a check for $8,000 immediately.



Experts say: Cats have keen senses, and the smallest movement will catch their attention. They probably saw a bug or a speck of dust.
The “truth”: Evil, skinless demons have crossed into this realm, and only your cat can see them. Run.



Experts say: Cats are drawn to the confined space of a box because it offers security.
The “truth”: Your cat is having a quarter-life crisis and thinks a trip to Mozambique would offer some worldly perspective. Tape up the box, slap on some postage, and mail your kitty to Africa.



Experts say: Cats like warm places, and your laptop is warm.
The “truth”: Your cat knows how many times a day you creepstalk your ex, and has decided it’s time for an intervention.




[via Buzzfeed]

13 March 2014

The Letter

A Dad's Letter to His Son

(About the Only Good Reason to Get Married)

 
 

Dear Son,

It seems like yesterday you were blowing poop out of your diaper onto your mother's lap. Yet here we are, on the verge of the birds-and-the-bees conversation. The poop was way easier.

Before we talk about sex, though, I want to talk about marriage. Not because I'll shun you or shame you if you don't put them in that order -- although I hope you will -- but because I believe the only good reason to get married will bring clarity to every other aspect of your life, including sex.

Buddy, you're probably going to want to get married for all the wrong reasons. We all do. In fact, the most common reason to get married also happens to be the most dangerous: we get married because we think it will make us happy. Getting married in order to be happy is the surest way to get divorced.

There are beautiful marriages. But marriages don't become beautiful by seeking happiness; they become beautiful by seeking something else. Marriages become beautiful when two people embrace the only good reason to get married: to practice the daily sacrifice of their egos.

Ego. You may be hearing that word for the first time. It probably sounds foreign and confusing to you. This is what it means to me:

Your ego is the part of you that protects your heart. You were born with a good and beautiful heart, and it will never leave you. But when I was too harsh toward you, or your friends began to make fun of your extracurricular choices, you started to doubt if your heart was good enough. Don't worry, it happens to all of us at some point.

And so your mind began to build a wall around your heart. That happens to all of us, too. It's like a big castle wall with a huge moat -- it keeps us safe from invaders who might want to get in and attack our hearts. And thank goodness for your ego-wall! Your heart is worthy of protection, buddy.

At first, we only use the ego-wall to keep people out. But eventually, as we grow up, we get tired of hiding fearfully and we decide the best defense is a good offense. We put cannons on our ego-wall and we start firing. For some people, that looks like anger. For other people, it looks like gossip and judgment and divisiveness. One of my favorite ego-cannons is to pretend everyone on the outside of my wall is wrong. It makes me feel right and righteous, but really it just keeps me safe inside of my ideas. I know I've fired my ego-cannons at you from time to time, and for that I'm truly sorry.

Sometimes we need our cannons to survive. Most of the time we don't.

Both men and women have ego-walls with cannons. But you're going to be a man soon, so it's important to tell you what men tend do with their ego-walls -- we justify them by pretending they are essential to being a "real" man. Really, most of us are just afraid our hearts won't be good enough for the people we love, so we choose to stay safe and protected behind high walls with lots of cannons.

Can you see how that might be a problem for marriage?

If you fall into the trap of thinking your ego-wall is essential to being a man, it will destroy any chance of having an enduringly joyful marriage. Because, in the end, the entire purpose of marriage is to dismantle your ego-wall, brick by brick, until you are fully available to the person you love. Open. Vulnerable. Dangerously united.

Buddy, people have sex because for a moment at the climax of it, their mind is without walls, the ego goes away and they feel free and fully connected. With sex, the feeling lasts for only a moment. But if you commit yourself to marriage, you commit yourself to the long, painful, joyous work of dismantling your ego-walls for good. Then, the moment can last a lifetime.

Many people are going tell you the key to a happy marriage is to put God at the center of it, but I think it depends upon what your experience of God does for your ego. Because if your God is one of strength and power and domination, a God who proves you're always right and creates dividing lines by which you judge everyone else, a God who keeps you safe and secure, I think you should keep that God as far from the center of your marriage as you can. He'll only build your ego-wall taller and stronger.

But if the God you experience is a vulnerable one, the kind of God that turns the world upside down and dwells in the midst of brokenness and embraces everyone on the margins and will sacrifice anything for peace and reconciliation and wants to trade safety and security for a dangerous and risky love, then I agree, put him right at the center of your marriage. If your God is in the ego-dismantling business, he will transform your marriage into sacred ground.

What's the secret to a happy marriage? Marry someone who has also embraced the only good reason to get married.

Someone who will commit to dying alongside you -- not in 50 years, but daily, as they dismantle the walls of their ego with you.

Someone who will be more faithful to you than they are to their own safety.

Someone willing to embrace the beauty of sacrifice, the surrender of their strength and the peril of vulnerability.

In other words, someone who wants to spend their one life stepping into a crazy, dangerous love with you and only you.


With my walls down,

Dad


This post originally appeared on DrKellyFlanagan.com