23 April 2014

What I Learned

(Wedding Edition)

~ Bellinis are delicious.

~ Of all those you compliment, two of the most important are the mothers.

~ Soooo many pictures!

~ Shots of fine whiskey are communal, celebratory, and ageless.

~ Irish Car Bombs are only celebratory and usually only for a specific amount of time.

~ Playing a stand-up arcade game from your youth makes you feel like a kid again.  Rampage did it for me.

~ No matter how many people joke about line dancing-- i.e., the Macarena, the Electric Slide, the Time Warp-- there's always a large group on the dance floor when those songs are played.

~ Never let someone under the legal drinking age catch either the bridal bouqet or garter.

~ Catch the bridal bouqet or the garter (whichever is appropriate).  You won't regret it.

~ If you get both laughs and tears from the Maid of Honor's speech or the Best Man's speech, it's a winner.

~ When the bride is walking down the aisle to him, the groom is in a world all his own.

~ Some pictures just should not be taken.

~ Dancing like a loon is just fine.  As long as you're not hurting anyone else, you can do your thing!

~ Always bring condoms to a wedding.  They may not be for you, but someone is sure to need one at some point throughout the night.

~ The ability to charge things directly to your hotel room is potentially dangerous.  Especially during the after party.

~ There should definitely be an after party.

~ If you haven't met somebody new throughout the event, you're not doing it right.

~ Designated drivers are a godsend.

~ Tip your designated driver(s).  Heavily.  You owe them your life, $20 is nothing in comparison.

~ Communal dinners are mandatory.  Communal breakfasts are not.

~ Unless directed to do otherwise, smile for every camera.

~ Outdoor fireside gatherings f*cking rock!

~ Chiming for the newlyweds to kiss should not be done to excess.

~ Dance with a kid.  You'll both love it!

~ Remember your phone charger.

~ And the after party is like Vegas-- what happens there, stays there.

21 April 2014

About Time

It's happened to me three times in just as many days.  I have become overwhelmed with emotion-- lip quivering, watery eyes, and all.  Twice it happened during the festivities I attended this past weekend, the first when I bore witness to the wedding and vows of two very special people in my life, the second as I closed my speech at their reception afterwards.  The third was today, just moments ago... while watching Star Trek: The Next Generation.  That last one felt much sillier to me than the first two, but that's the one that got me thinking...

I was watching the final two episodes of STTNG, "All Good Things...".  In the episode, Captain Picard inexplicably finds his mind jumping between the present and the past just prior to the USS Enterprise-D's first mission six years earlier at Farpoint Station and over twenty-five years into the future, where an aged Picard has retired to the family vineyard in France. These jumps occur without warning, and the resulting discontinuity in Picard's behavior frequently leaves him and those around him confused.  However, he is finally able to succeed in garnering help from his crew(s) in each time period to reverse the effects of a temporal distortion (of his own creation) that would have destroyed all of humanity.

The poignant moments clearly came towards the end of the episode, first when Picard has to rally his crew from the past.  They are all fairly new to each other, the ship, and obviously their new captain who-- to them-- seems increasingly erratic and deliberately vague about their strange mission.  He speaks to them about his faith in them and their abilities, how he trusts all of them implicitly, and that the situation is more serious than he can make them aware of, but that he needs them to take a leap and trust in him as well.  Later, when the crisis is averted and the timeline is restored and the senior staff plays their regular poker game, they reflect on the future the captain told them, to prevent them from drifting apart. For the first time ever, Picard decides to join the game, expressing regret he had not done so before, saying "...and the sky's the limit," suggesting more adventures lay ahead for the crew.

At first, I was standing in front of the television laughing at myself and how silly I felt crying over a sci-fi show-- much in the same way Robert De Niro's character in Analyse This felt morbidly overcome with tears while watching a TV commercial in his hotel room.  But when the credits had rolled and I stood there in momentary silence, my mind immediately wandered to the the last to instances my emotions seemed to get the best of me over the weekend and it awakened something in me.  I really do take for granted the time I have with those that I care about, in the moments that define our lives, and what is truly important about the connections we make during our brief time together.

I'm having a moment right now and I need you to bear with me here.  It is quite an experience-- a "heavy" one, as Marty McFly would say-- to come to this realization.  Don't get me wrong, I was aware of the gravity of the moments I shared when my friends got married this weekend and I know I will cherish them always.  Their vows, the couples' dances, the speeches, the handshakes, hugs, and kisses; none of this was lost on me in the moment, but playing them back-- away from the excitement of the time-- I got to fully realize them and live in them a little more completely.  If ever there were words or pictures that were engraved on my mind for my life, this weekend definitely succeeded in creating a few of them.

I just wanted to take the moment not only to acknowledge them for myself, but to share my realization with you, dear reader.  For if you are reading this, it's for a reason.  It's because you are in my life now and I cherish that.  I cherish you.  All of you, no matter how great or small a portion of time we share together, or words we speak to each other, of feelings we elicit from one another.  In this moment of clarity, I cherish it all.  And I am aware of the fact that I rarely have this opportunity of self realization or speak of them in the odd moments when I do, I just wanted to take this moment to let you all know how I feel.

Because it really is about time.

20 March 2014

10 Problems... [NSFW]

Hey there, other guys who fuck real good -- we're a rare breed, aren't we? We always try to keep our weird, nerdy quirk to ourselves, but sometimes, our undeniable prowess at fucking causes some problems in our day-to-day life that those other "only ok at fucking" people simply just won't understand.

Just in case you're feeling alone & embarrassed, here's 10 Problems That Only Guys Who Fuck Really Well Will Understand. Don't be shy! Please read and share...but ONLY if you understand!


This is a common problem for us Fuck-Too-Goods. Sometimes, you'll leave your partner TOO satisfied that they won't be able to think or concentrate on anything else other than how well they were just made love to. Fortunately, this will eventually dissipate, but unfortunately, then they'll just want to fuck again. Such is the cross we bear, right fellow Goodfuckers???


This happens literally every time you have sex. With 100% certainty, your partner will squeal in ecstasy, then the next thing you know, there's your angry neighbors banging on your door in striped pajamas and sleeping caps, telling you to keep it down.

Sorry, Only-Ok-Fucker! You just don't understand us ;-*


How many times has this happened to you: You finally wrap-up a steamy, marathon fuck-session only to glance over at the calendar and realize it's December 27th, and you've both fucked your way through Christmas. Uhoh! Too bad your family won't understand why you didn't go see them... and we all know why they don't GET it ;-0 ;-0


Oh man, your co-worker's talking about some HOT lovemaking session he had where his lady had... lol... TWO orgasms?? Hahaha better bite your tongue, fellow Fuckgoods, cause when you start talkin' about how your lady averages 80-90 orgasms per night (including nights you don't fuck...which is NO nights!!!!!), they'll think you're exaggerating. Yeah - exaggerating like a FUCKFOX!


Not this ol' problem again! I mean, who can blame them, but still, it's gonna delay the love-makin' by a couple hours. Their loss, really.


This one's a real doozy. Everything's going great, you're coming up on orgasm #85 or so, and all the sudden, BAM! She climaxes so hard, she rescinds the ability to speak or comprehend English, and you have to begin tutoring her from the bottom-up, starting with basic letters and phonetic sounds. Fortunately, her burning desire to learn English as a way to communicate how well she was just made love to will speed up the learning process far beyond that of traditional learning curves.


Don't even get me started on this. Sometimes I think all of us "Way Too Good At Sex" Dudes would have it a little easier if we were just a little bit imperfect at having sex, but we simply don't know another way. It's a blessing and a curse.


Haha oh people. Always SO jealous and suspicious.

Anyway, please now share this on Facebook in a really forced self-deprecating manner. But ONLY if you understand!
Originally posted at CollegeHumor